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Reflections
Jun. 23rd, 2026 04:07 amI was crying most of yesterday.
You do not understand what it is like to be chronically ill, but also feel completely alienated.
Vomiting, diarrhea, incontinence, body pain. All daily occurrences now. And issues chewing and swallowing food, where sometimes I can barely eat no matter how small I cut things, or vomit them back up. Ive choked on the juice for five solid minutes from biting into a single grape. I’ve had the hiccups every single day for two months, now. I almost passed out on our front steps after literally five minutes of trying to sweep them.
Yes, I’m seeking medical help. But even that’s difficult, when so many doctors are dismissive, or just straight up quit (which has happened three times this year alone).
It’s also getting harder to deal with our older kid.
He keeps assaulting the younger one - actual physical violence - and sometimes me as well. He said that I and the younger kid are “easy targets”, thought he couldn’t explain what that meant, but that he also “wished I was dead”, this past week. He postured and raised his fists at me this past Saturday, when I asked him to sign the Father’s Day card for B. That was all it took. Sign a Father’s Day card. After a mini tantrum and screaming at me, when he finally calmed down again, a few hours later, he said he acted up because he was tired and didn’t feel like signing the card when I asked.
But it’s not just about unsigned Father’s Day cards and my inability to eat food.
I don’t leave the house much these days, because I’m terrified the boys will get into a really harmful situation, and also because I’m afraid that any of these constant symptoms will appear in front of my friends. Or worse, strangers.
Also, there’s the feeling of being unwanted, because (as I see it) most of what I’ve been posting to social media lately is processing all of this stuff. And I bet to anyone else, it looks like complaining.
When I first thought of moving to Boston, with a person I’m no longer friends with, mostly because THEY turned out to be an awful person to other friends and I didn’t know it until I’d already moved here, I went out to Hexx - a goth night at Nicks Comedy Spot. I had already been in the Telnet group for netgoth for a while, and was excited by the prospect of meeting some people “IRL”. That night I almost left in tears, because every single person I walked up to to say hi literally just walked silently away from me. Including the bartender, who ignored my $20 on the bar top, for ten minutes until I walked away. It took a “regular” who literally took me by the hand and introduced me to everyone they knew, where I was surprised to find I was welcomed. Even the bartender.
I’ve never forgotten that night, mostly because I’d written it down as part of a little journal I carried with me, until I threw it away some 30 years later. But I moved in, and tried to fit in, always wondering if I did.
Last year, when we finally finished our patio and home siding, we made good on the promise we made to many people who told us we needed to finally have a housewarming party to celebrate this awful DIY triumph (among other things). I planned, and cleaned, cooked and made up the invite list. Someone said they weren’t coming, specifically because I invited people they had had a falling out with. I said I was sorry, I hadn’t known about it, told them their feelings were valid, and offered to host them alone, another time. They eventually got back to me and said they no longer wanted to be friends with me at all. I said I was sorry to lose them, even though we weren’t close friends.
Of the 170-odd people I invited, about 55 responded “maybe”.
I prepared food for the maybes and handful of yes’es. Some of them were also that person’s friend, though I didn’t think (and still don’t) what happened was anything but a coincidence.
Invited 170 people. 55 maybes. Two people texted saying they got sick.
Eight people came.
I tried not to cry, and welcomed the eight people that did come, and enjoyed their company. And every so often, I’d think of that night at Hexx.
Then I started getting more sick, more often. And the ten dental surgeries. The myriad doctor visits.
No results. Tons of money for doctor visits, meds, therapy for me, for each of the boys. No results.
I stopped going to Manray on purpose, at first. I was hurt by the lack of interest from people i, and especially B specifically made the effort to connect with when Manray reopened. Once the boys had more issues and I felt more ill, I stopped even thinking about going because it was physically too much effort. I tried still going to events B and I were invited to. And all along I tried reaching out to people, at said events or via social media/texting ; asking if there was interest to come over, asking if they’d be free “sometime”; I even tried reaching out to people in my moms group to get to know “new people” by inviting them to meet up for coffee or other low stakes things. Most people were busy, of course, but many people didn’t respond at all. Just like when I was a kid, and my supposed “best friend” would do the same thing. I tried pebbling a few people, sending interesting links or such; perhaps that was too subtle.
All of this is on my mind, nearly all the time lately. In between the insomnia, symptoms, and everything else. Which was why, when I learned someone whom I thought of as a friend had a party and B and I weren’t invited, specifically because I was told we weren’t close, I felt invisible, again. My initial reaction was kind; I said I didn’t know they had a party, and would have liked to have seen them. I should have left it at that, but I chose to tell them later on it hurt to not be invited, and that I didn’t know some of the other people we both knew had been. Apparently my thinking we were closer friends was misread, they perceived it as me guilt tripping them, and I apologized, saying, “ I guess I thought we were closer than that, I was wrong. You’re entitled to invite who you like. My feelings about being included are my own. Since I often don’t feel like I am, that colors my perception. I’m sure you can understand that. I’m sorry I got it wrong.“ They obviously made no further reply.
So, not only did that also bring up feelings from the past, it also made me wonder if I AM a friend to anybody. B made the effort in going to Manray on our behalf so often, for the same reason I tell the boys; if you want people to show up for you, you have to show up for them.
But what if things change, and you can’t? This same person who said I wasn’t a close friend had never seen me at anything other than other people’s events, nor reached out and invited me to do things, even when we’d discussed specific things a few times. I keep asking people, please keep inviting B and I to things, please keep us in mind.
I feel like all of that is now rapidly falling away, at least for me, and it was so painful after that exchange, that I fell into a spiral and cried every moment I was awake on Saturday night into Sunday. THEN I felt like I was “ruining Father’s Day” and it made me MORE upset.
If you’ve bothered to read this far, I appreciate it. I’m not looking for anything other than understanding.
If you’ve read this far and think I’m a pathetic narcissistic asshole, that’s your right. I just feel alone, and am alone when everyone is at work or school and it’s just me and the dog. I don’t know what else to do about it.
I guess I should try to get some sleep.
“Fin.”
You do not understand what it is like to be chronically ill, but also feel completely alienated.
Vomiting, diarrhea, incontinence, body pain. All daily occurrences now. And issues chewing and swallowing food, where sometimes I can barely eat no matter how small I cut things, or vomit them back up. Ive choked on the juice for five solid minutes from biting into a single grape. I’ve had the hiccups every single day for two months, now. I almost passed out on our front steps after literally five minutes of trying to sweep them.
Yes, I’m seeking medical help. But even that’s difficult, when so many doctors are dismissive, or just straight up quit (which has happened three times this year alone).
It’s also getting harder to deal with our older kid.
He keeps assaulting the younger one - actual physical violence - and sometimes me as well. He said that I and the younger kid are “easy targets”, thought he couldn’t explain what that meant, but that he also “wished I was dead”, this past week. He postured and raised his fists at me this past Saturday, when I asked him to sign the Father’s Day card for B. That was all it took. Sign a Father’s Day card. After a mini tantrum and screaming at me, when he finally calmed down again, a few hours later, he said he acted up because he was tired and didn’t feel like signing the card when I asked.
But it’s not just about unsigned Father’s Day cards and my inability to eat food.
I don’t leave the house much these days, because I’m terrified the boys will get into a really harmful situation, and also because I’m afraid that any of these constant symptoms will appear in front of my friends. Or worse, strangers.
Also, there’s the feeling of being unwanted, because (as I see it) most of what I’ve been posting to social media lately is processing all of this stuff. And I bet to anyone else, it looks like complaining.
When I first thought of moving to Boston, with a person I’m no longer friends with, mostly because THEY turned out to be an awful person to other friends and I didn’t know it until I’d already moved here, I went out to Hexx - a goth night at Nicks Comedy Spot. I had already been in the Telnet group for netgoth for a while, and was excited by the prospect of meeting some people “IRL”. That night I almost left in tears, because every single person I walked up to to say hi literally just walked silently away from me. Including the bartender, who ignored my $20 on the bar top, for ten minutes until I walked away. It took a “regular” who literally took me by the hand and introduced me to everyone they knew, where I was surprised to find I was welcomed. Even the bartender.
I’ve never forgotten that night, mostly because I’d written it down as part of a little journal I carried with me, until I threw it away some 30 years later. But I moved in, and tried to fit in, always wondering if I did.
Last year, when we finally finished our patio and home siding, we made good on the promise we made to many people who told us we needed to finally have a housewarming party to celebrate this awful DIY triumph (among other things). I planned, and cleaned, cooked and made up the invite list. Someone said they weren’t coming, specifically because I invited people they had had a falling out with. I said I was sorry, I hadn’t known about it, told them their feelings were valid, and offered to host them alone, another time. They eventually got back to me and said they no longer wanted to be friends with me at all. I said I was sorry to lose them, even though we weren’t close friends.
Of the 170-odd people I invited, about 55 responded “maybe”.
I prepared food for the maybes and handful of yes’es. Some of them were also that person’s friend, though I didn’t think (and still don’t) what happened was anything but a coincidence.
Invited 170 people. 55 maybes. Two people texted saying they got sick.
Eight people came.
I tried not to cry, and welcomed the eight people that did come, and enjoyed their company. And every so often, I’d think of that night at Hexx.
Then I started getting more sick, more often. And the ten dental surgeries. The myriad doctor visits.
No results. Tons of money for doctor visits, meds, therapy for me, for each of the boys. No results.
I stopped going to Manray on purpose, at first. I was hurt by the lack of interest from people i, and especially B specifically made the effort to connect with when Manray reopened. Once the boys had more issues and I felt more ill, I stopped even thinking about going because it was physically too much effort. I tried still going to events B and I were invited to. And all along I tried reaching out to people, at said events or via social media/texting ; asking if there was interest to come over, asking if they’d be free “sometime”; I even tried reaching out to people in my moms group to get to know “new people” by inviting them to meet up for coffee or other low stakes things. Most people were busy, of course, but many people didn’t respond at all. Just like when I was a kid, and my supposed “best friend” would do the same thing. I tried pebbling a few people, sending interesting links or such; perhaps that was too subtle.
All of this is on my mind, nearly all the time lately. In between the insomnia, symptoms, and everything else. Which was why, when I learned someone whom I thought of as a friend had a party and B and I weren’t invited, specifically because I was told we weren’t close, I felt invisible, again. My initial reaction was kind; I said I didn’t know they had a party, and would have liked to have seen them. I should have left it at that, but I chose to tell them later on it hurt to not be invited, and that I didn’t know some of the other people we both knew had been. Apparently my thinking we were closer friends was misread, they perceived it as me guilt tripping them, and I apologized, saying, “ I guess I thought we were closer than that, I was wrong. You’re entitled to invite who you like. My feelings about being included are my own. Since I often don’t feel like I am, that colors my perception. I’m sure you can understand that. I’m sorry I got it wrong.“ They obviously made no further reply.
So, not only did that also bring up feelings from the past, it also made me wonder if I AM a friend to anybody. B made the effort in going to Manray on our behalf so often, for the same reason I tell the boys; if you want people to show up for you, you have to show up for them.
But what if things change, and you can’t? This same person who said I wasn’t a close friend had never seen me at anything other than other people’s events, nor reached out and invited me to do things, even when we’d discussed specific things a few times. I keep asking people, please keep inviting B and I to things, please keep us in mind.
I feel like all of that is now rapidly falling away, at least for me, and it was so painful after that exchange, that I fell into a spiral and cried every moment I was awake on Saturday night into Sunday. THEN I felt like I was “ruining Father’s Day” and it made me MORE upset.
If you’ve bothered to read this far, I appreciate it. I’m not looking for anything other than understanding.
If you’ve read this far and think I’m a pathetic narcissistic asshole, that’s your right. I just feel alone, and am alone when everyone is at work or school and it’s just me and the dog. I don’t know what else to do about it.
I guess I should try to get some sleep.
“Fin.”
